Check This Out...

I havent had any doubts about things with Mystery Boy and I until today...

I guess I just learned that we are not on the same level right now... I guess that once- a -fucking- gain I have fallen too fast...and we all know that is not the first time its happened. I just wanna crawl into a hole right now...That fucking sucks. How are we going to see eachother at IU in the fall and prettend like everything is okay? I dunno. We will just be entering the physical part of the relationship on two different levels. He wants a friend right now...and I want so much more.
So I guess it is like I was rejected, I mean...In a sense. and I guess I am fine with that...haha...not like it hasnt happened before

Whatev. Fuck This..

I have Sounds of South Finale tomorrow night at 7...it should be a pretty good show... I just think it would be a whole lot better if they cut the freshman / sophmore solos and duets... This should be an upperclassmen show...but we just try to pack everyone in it.

Damn he fucked up my night.



I wish things were easier. This blows.

Hey! I just got back from my lil sisters track meet...and I love her like crazy. She did SO well....first place at sectionals...AS A FRESHMAN...she will totally go on to state I am so proud of her.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am so horrified. I wish there was someway to make it so that Facebook doesnt post it. I am so afraid of turning 18 because I feel like that means I am an adult...and that I have to grow up...and growing up is prob. one of the scariest things ever. I am really not happy about it. And I cant even do the big kid 18 y/o things because someone stole my wallet...so I dont have any REAL form of ID besides my school ID and I doubt a porn shop would take that. and I am sure I couldnt buy cigs with that!...lol... Whatever. I just want to crawl in a hole tomorrow and not see anyone. I am so afrad of getting old. I wish I could rewind a couple years.



I really wanted a cold stone cake. Too late now... my mom is too tired to go get one.


See everyone on Thursday.

Hey guys...Sorry I havent added in a while...and again I dont know if anyone reads but I just thought I would put it out there...ya know.

Nothing new really going on for me, which is kinda random that I am posting, I guess...but it felt like the right thing to do tonight.

My birthday is in a few./...and graduation is not too far from here...I think it may be fun. I dunno. I kinda hope that I get picked to give a graduation speech, because I'd like to give one...I am rambling. I dunno.
I am talking to Jesse right now... Kinda arguing...kinda not... we have a bit of a weird situation, kinda hard to explain.

I dunno...My LJ family doesnt really know who he is, so I guess next time I will explain the situation and give yall some updates.

HOTTIE OF THE NIGHT!!!

Went to the mall... Discovered that there is a LOT of undercover prostitution at the mall...like whoa... "daddies" galore...kinda creepy. Sebastian and I made this discovery.

Then we went to B-Dubs and that was pretty good. We ate with Ben, John, and TAMMY...lol...Awesome bunch. I hope We can hangout some more before Sebastian is shipped off.

I dunno I bought really cute underwear, at least I like them a lot. (I am wearing a pair now...)

Currently downloading a movie that has recieved some pretty good reviews from the boys...so I am going to take a hot shower and nair my legs...and call it a night.



I love you Katie!
-Anton

One of my reasons for going to IU, in the last 24 hours, has turned into a major reason I DONT want to go.






Guys blow.

I am not too sure if anyone ever reads my LJ, I mean before I stoppedd posting, but I guess I am apologizing for not updating you on the shit in my life. I mean, It hasnt been HORRIBLY awful. But there also hasnt been too much great stuff taking place.
Lets see...

I did The Nutcracker again...this was my second year. It was a load of fun again. And it kinda helped me ease into my decision (Not final yet) That I am prob. going to IU. It is a great school. One of the best in terms of ballet. But I just kinda wanted ot get out of Bloomington. BEcause for one.....Its Indiana... And BEcause I wasnt too happy with the selection of descent homos... BUT that also leads me to my second point of interest.

I met a boy. I dont need to post his name but yes. He is a freshman and an overall awesome guy. I dunno. I am not saying that HE is the reason for me going to IU because that would just be stupid, I mean, what if we break up or things just dont work. Ya know? That would just be crazy. That my reason for staying is just gone. I dunno. NO But this guy kinda just helped me realize that, contrary to my previous thoughts, I do not know all of the gays at IU.... I guess that would be impossible with new ones sprouting out ALL the time...(God, I love Bloomignton!). But no, he just kinda made me realize that there is luck for me here. I dunno.
I really want stuff to work between us, but at times I feel like I am pushing it way too much, and chances are, I AM. But for the first time I feel like.... I found somone, I dunno. It is an awkward situation because he cant be completely there, ya know. BEcause of another guy. But I dunno. I am willing to wait. Like not to break them up..(I doubt I have that power)..but just to wait things out to see what happens...I mean, its not like I have other shit lined up.... I dunno. I just have high hopes...

I guess that is it. It started snowing, and I have kinda been depressed. But my sister and I are getting along more than ever, and we are kinda getting through the depression together. GOD I LOVE HER!...
I guess that is it. I will update when I have a little more to say.
I love everyone.
-Anton

Woke up at the regular time of 6:15AM.....rolled out of bed to the voice of the DJ on B97 giving away BLAST tix. So I hopped at the opportunity of getting those tix, and well...I won. (Ive been kinda lucky like that lately). Got in the shower went to school. And MANY MANY MANY people bitched me out about wanting those tix ah well...they'll get over it! I am so fucking heartless, I just dont even care anymore. Fuckem all!


Had SOS rehearsal tonight. We got so much work done, and the show is coming along quite nicely...minus a few select people...they know who they are, and if they dont, well, they will find out come show time.....eeek!...lol...ah well.

Guys have been pretty much awful recently. I mean hot guys, yes. But just not feeling them 100%...I dnno what my problem is... So as of right now... I am just going with the flow. Wherever that may take me. Hopefully...away.... FAR AWAY!

I have an audition next fri. at Syracuse University for early addmission at The university. I hope I get it! That would be so Fetch. I hope I get into some good schools. I mean, if all else fails I could go dance in some company in NY. I mean LAST RESORT.... or go to......(Dramatic music) IU....:-( Not my fav place. I am kinda over this place. Ill be honest.

Um...speaking of AUDITIONS...I think I am auditioning for IU's A Chorus Line!...that would be SO FETCH if I got Paul. I really want that part...but I would also be happy with Chorus, because I mean...I am a pretty awesome dancer. I mean...better than singing. (At times)...That sounded really full of myself, didnt it. Ah well fuck it!


Alright I guess that is it for today bitches. SMILES!

I am just chillin in my room tonight.
I need to clean my room, but chances are I wont get around to that tonight.
I have some government homework I need to do, but instead I am writing on here... I dunno if it was the best choice but whatev.

I dont even know if people read this anymore. But it is nice to vent now and then.

So. I am sweating like a fucking pig right now...OMG



Once again I am uber boring. Im sorry. Ill just shutup now. Because I know for a fact, I hate it when people write some fucking novels on their ljs but whatev. It is their fucking journal, thats what it is there for.

So... I am hangin out with this cool kid, his name is Romie...

I think he is abosolutely Ador...


We are losers and we are just chillin here at the union with nothing better to do.

We came because he said he had some kinda meeting to go to, but after we got here SOMEBODY opted not to go to tyhe frigin meeting. So now we are just checking our lj/facebook/myspace...you know...the usual

Just got home from another Fever game. The team won, but for some reason I am still kinda chillin in the dumps. I dont really know where to begin...

BOYS:

-Okay so, I dont really know what happen with Mr. H over my Blue Lake time. But for some reason or another, he lost interest in me. I guess I am not too suprised. The relationship was full of lies and was just kinda weird I guess. I dont know. I guess it would have been better if he had told me and not just ignoring me, ya know? I dunno I guess I liked him or whatever. Life goes on I guess...
-I met another kid online that I enjoy talking to. He is a total sweet heart and he is very cute and he is going to IU, living in the dorms. Moving in tomorrow actually. He promised we could go out sometime, but we decided that we should wait until after school starts and things get less hectic. I think that was a pretty good idea on his part. sweet kid. Even if things dont work out with us, I'd like to remain friends he makes me laugh.
-I guess thats about it. I just, I dunno. I want like to just...be happy. (EMO, I KNOW)


FEVER:
-Okay so, fist of all. Every work place has its own set of rules, and SEAN breaks these rules like all the time. And it is just so cheap and it makes us look so unprofessional. Like he just goes and sits in spectator chairs before dances and like the rest of the team is sitting on the floor cheering and watching the game. Or he will go to the locker/dressing/sitting/chillin room (Where we have some pretty descent food) he will get a HUGE plate together.... Go out to his mother and bring her the food! like, is he joking? That looks so bad. What if I brought food to my family everytime- I mean c'mon.
- The last game we went to I was telling Sean's mom that I wasnt very comfortable and nerveous about the dances we were performing because I was in charge and that was kinda a big deal for me... and she says "Oh, you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about. I mean NOBODY watches YOU when you dance. Everybody just looks at Sean." and in my mind I was like....well WHY THE FUCK AM I WASTING MY TIME HERE THEN!?!
-I told Sean in the locker room my college plans and he says "No offense Anton,(I knew I was going to take it offensively because he said that) but dont you have to have like....Talent to go to that school".... I was just like STUNNED. like Dead inside. and I have just been like... empty ever since. I didnt dance the second dance of the night because of it. AHHH I am so sad.
-And then I noticed that all of the gay guys werew like checking him out...and not me...and I was like wTF? why are they staring at him...but whatever. I dont need gross men to make me feel better about myself.

LIFE:
-I dunno I am just out of it. I guess tings will get better eventually but for now, I am not too excited about things. I am kinda depressed now.. IDK things have to get better, right?? *sigh*

It's Aug. 14th 9:10PM and I am just sitting inside of the house. I dont really have much to do after watching Corky Romano so I decided that I would try to update this piece of shit again.

Whats new?...hmm... Well the last time that I was on here I bet I was pretty JAZZED about Greg, wasnt I? (JAzzed is gonna have to go...?...) Yeah. Things with him were cool I guess... Then I went to camp. At camp there was no method of communication to the outside world besides letters and I AM SO LAZY...I dont write letters. Thats what computers are for. Well Yeah, I couldnt really talk to him. And now that I am back in civilization, he is acting distant. I dont really know why, I am hoping that it is just his work sched. but I dont know. We need to talk more I guess. It is kinda hard for me to talk about things. I dunno I guess I am just kinda amazed that a descent guy is into me.

I love KAtie HAwkins..... Thats all on that subject... I love her


I am still on a crazy job search. I need money and stuff, but my sched. is so crappy because of dance and stuff. But I am thinking someplace easy or something maybe like..clothes or something. I dont know.

I kinda just want to cry right now. No reason really just to get everything out of my system. I havent had a good shedding of tears since...well...camp.

School starts in about ten days I think it will be pretty awesome. I get to do some intense school shopping and stuff. Ill look all cute. I think I am finally going to take my drivers test before school starts. We'll see.... Well I guess that is all for now. LEave a comment. Brighten my evening.
-Anton

So, here I am. We had a fever game last night, but we lost. No big. It felt kinda "off". I dunno. It was my last game for a while because The next game is on Wed. and I have to go to Blue Lake on tuesday night. Which reminds me. I have to call Ms. Witten and tell her that I will not be attending three days of Camp... I think she will get over it. I HOPE... I mean what is the worse that could happen?

EEK

So I will be coming home today. I have been going crazy in indianapolis.... (Crazy like fun) ((NOT LKE INSANE))

Well I guess there is not much more that i need to talk about. So I am going to end this entry! I am going to jam to some more JACK JOHNSON... I GUesS I NEED TO FIND OTHER SONGS BESIDES THIS ONE I LISTEN TO OVER AND OVER......

Okay... so... I randomly got a message from this guy, his name is Greg.

First of all, he is like the sweetest thing ever.

Second of all, hes kinda cute.

Third of all, and I kinda like him....a little....a little a lot...a little...



Well I should prob. go to sleep now, I just got off of the phone with him.....smiles... I am all giddy

GNIGHT YALL

I have seen three really good movies recently:

CRASH.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Latter Days

GO SEE THEM. THEY ALL SPARKED DIFFERENT EMOTIONS IN ME!

The rain kinda spurtz. One min. it is pounding on the roof. And then the next, silence. I kinda like it. But it is a little upseting/depressing.

I went out with Dustin and Sebastian tonight. It was a little annoying at first because there was no set game plan and we were just kinda driving for about 15 mins. and that is one of my peeves. (I dont like that word) And then we went and looked at this car sEbastian is buying instead of fixing his car (does that make sense to anyone?)((NOT TO ME)). I guess, in summary, I am a little depressed. Just because i was kinda third wheel tonight. Sebastian and dustin were basically having sex and I was just sitting there trying to watch an AWFUL movie. I guess it was not too bad- funny, but dumb. And I kinda just left after they started making out. I mean I am SO happy that they are happy, but I would be a lot happier of other peoples happines was not thrown in my face. I dunno, I guess I am just not good around couples.

I missed Katie today. She was woking, and I was crying on the inside. I kinda wanted to tan today, but I guess I needed a break anyways. It really isnt good for me, but I look prettier tan, or at least I think I do. BACK TO KATIE! I missed her today. She usually makes me smile. well....no- She ALWAYS makes me smile. Depending on if she is wokring, I want to go out to lunch with her tomorrow. Maybe to my new Fav. restaurant. The KKK Diner. (Cracker Barrell)

Well I dunno. I have some food...and an open window....and the sound of rain. So I am going to leave my Journal now. And listen

-Anton

We drove. Slowly the fog began to cover the windsheild. IT was silent. Maybe not in reality, but in my mind there was no noise. Kinda like the soundtrack to my head was on mute. Or maybe it was just non exsistant. We sped by cars screeching. People giving us awkward looks as we drove past. Katie was in front of me and Terrick was in the drivers seat. We were on our way to the SportsPlex. Nothing special was happening. Just running some Errands. I dunno I guess I was just in a tired mood. Or sick. Or just ou of it. It felt like a long ride. It was just another reminder that they will not be there next year. I am going to be kinda, alone. For many reasons.

I have been thinking about Wes Martin for a while now. Nothing really specific, just kinda stuck in my mind. One event lingers in my head. I guess I'd like to talk to him. But I dont know how to get in contact with him. So when our paths cross, I will feel a little better.

I just have a few holes in my life.

Like Potholes.

Sometimes they get fixed, but there is always that one that every car that passes by hits. That one problem that is never resolved. And I think I would feel a lot better when that problem gets fixed. But for now, the road is very bumpy. I need some help filling it.

A lot of people say that my unhappiness is voluntary, and that if I wanted to be hapy. And have a boyfriend that I could. And I only partly agree with that statement. I guess if I wanted to have a boyfriend I could. But the thing is... The guy that I want is not just any old guy. He is special. And I have not been able to find that guy. Well. No. For a moment I thought I found a guy, but he rejected me. I guess he had good intentions but it still hurt a lot. Well Some people say that I push people away. And it is ffor that reason that I push guys away. Because they are aparently NOT looking for a friendship from me, and I am not willing to give them what they want ....SO... why bother, right? We cant both be happy in that situation.



I saw a GREAT movie the other day. IT was called Latter Days.. SO good. but it made me think. About love. and how love comes along. And it makes me kinda laugh. Because for some reason, I dont think that I cannot achieve that happiness that they feel. I dunno I am a nerd.

I dunno. I guess I just. Want someone. Not like a boyfriend really but. I dunno. Katie has Terrick. Bryant has Sammie. KAte has Jake....

I know that they have there problems sometimes. And I doubt that Katie and Terrick even call themselves a thing or if they know they are. But the thing is, they have someone. Someone to fight with. Someone to laugh with. Someone to care for. And that is a beautiful thing because, when you dont have that. Everything kinda. gets.......off. And that is an AWFUL feeling.


I guess I am done rambling. IT just put me further back. I guess I am going to sleep now.
I dream and I dream, but my dreams dont come true. None of my wishes appear. I guess I am done wishing. IT only leads to false hopes and let downs.

Birds fly over the rainbow, Why then, oh, why can't I?

I do this all the time. It has kinda become routine for me. I become attached to things that I cannot have and it chews at me, until I get what I want. I am, of course, talking about straight guys.

I met a guy tonight. A "jock"... and he is a straight guy. Or he claims to be. And that should be a sign to me, that he is not interested in men. So I should just take that, and walk away. But I dont. I draw myself closer to him and try to tap into his brain and mess with the wires. But if he says he is straight. Why should I be tapping? He has a girlfriend and he is happy. I am sure his girlfriend is happy because, well... Look at him... So why do I continue to go after this guy?

Because I want what I cannot have. and I am never pleased with what is set out right in front of me.

BEcause I am a bitch. I dunno. I just wish that I could find someone to be happy with...and to love and to hold and just be there with. GRRRR....


I guess I am just unhappy alone.

So, I went to Kendras last night for a small gathering. And I decided... That I dont like "Parties"...

I am much happier alone.

I AM SO TIRED OF COUPLES DRAMA

VIDEO GAMES ARE SUCH A WASTE OF TIME

I am so pissy right now... I am gong to go before I say something that I will regret.

OMFG!

Now maybe it was just me... but I def thought that everyone has seen WEST SIDE STORY!!!...maybe I was wrong. But it is like the best movie! I am so sad.

I think I am going to shoot myself...

-TWAN-